PART 3 OF 4
The Miseducation of the High-Achieving Woman of Faith
If I had a dollar every time I heard a ridiculous myth about dating for marriage, I’d finally buy that private jet and take my friends for shopping sprees on different continents.
Here’s one myth that would be worth the downpayment on the plane alone:
“Meeting your husband should be natural and organic”
Myth translation: It should be easy and just “happen” over time or randomly fall out of the sky into your lap.
And as women of faith we take this myth a step further because we were taught that meeting men “naturally and organically” meant that if we:
👉🏿 Put God first
👉🏿 Be a good girl/woman
👉🏿Focus on becoming a “Proverbs 31 Woman” by focusing on your education, career and homemaking skills
…THEN God will pour out a blessing by sending you a husband.
Easy peasy right?
This myth is responsible for the disgustingly rampant unwanted singleness amongst Women of Faith and why so many of us have non-existent love lives.
We were taught that all we needed was a commitment to God and well-put together lives and the love of our life would eventually show up.
Unfortunately it conditioned us to become very passive about our love lives and incorrectly believe that it shouldn’t take much effort to meet our life partners.
I’ve got 3 things I wanna say about this…
(besides the fact that “natural and organic” sounds like you wanna meet men in a Whole Foods produce aisle)
1️⃣ “Church” Relationship Theology is severely outdated and ineffective.
In 2023, it’s still very common to hear the sound of a preacher’s booming voice echoing through the church building… urging women born in this century to behave just like the undereducated, underprivileged and underaged women married during Biblical times… so that we too can successfully secure a husband 🥴.
Who knew that all I needed to do to “get a man” was maintain my virginity, learn how to take care of a home and accept common immoral behavior from men?
Not only that…but the majority of our church leaders have no idea how to address the challenges that come with navigating modern dating…especially for mature Women of faith.
Instead of recognizing that fathers are no longer in charge of our romantic choices and that the current culture calls for women to be very proactive in her search for a life partner…
….Women in their 30s, 40s and 50s (who have strong romantic and sexual desires) are still met with:
“Just wait on God”
“Be patient! God will send you a husband”
“Let God write your love story”
…even though we weren’t given this hands off advice for anything else we aspired to do (go to school, land a great job, buy a house, lose weight etc…)
This is why we’re so educated, career driven and financially stable…
…yet we still struggle with knowing how to create a thriving, love life for ourselves.
2️⃣ What feels “natural” to us is often a polished skill
Almost all things we experience “naturally” don’t just happen easily.
Case in point: You were not born walking
Walking is something that the human species performs naturally…and unless we have a disability….we all learn to do it.
BUT we’ve totally forgotten it was not an easy thing for us to do in our earliest stages of life.
As babies it’s very difficult to learn self-mobility.
We have to develop a great deal of skills just to get to the point where we are able to pull ourselves up.
We learn balance, coordination, mobility and motor skills…
Not only do we have to learn a variety of walking skills…we have to embody patience, motivation and enthusiasm to keep going.
Because in our quest to walk…it takes a lot of dragging ourselves around, pulling ourselves up, falling down…
BUT choosing to get back each time and try again.
No one tells us “Wait on God” or “Walking must not be for you”...after dozens of failed attempts.
And in our innocence…we assume that walking is our birthright and inevitable.
So after months of daily, constant practice…walking becomes as natural and easy to us as blinking.
As a woman of faith…I want you to know that a thriving, love life is also your birthright…
… and inevitable if you are committed to developing your dating skills.
3️⃣ Dating is an Important Skill that leads to natural and organic romantic interactions with men.
Like walking…dating is also an important life skill that should be embraced, practiced and perfected…especially if we desire romantic partnership.
When we develop dating skills we naturally begin to design dating lives that feel delicious and organically meet quality men who we are in alignment with.
Let's revisit what I said in Part 2 of this essay...
And I quote:
“the bare minimum is no longer acceptable for both men and women.
We now need to be SKILLFUL so that we can foster attraction, engage socially, form loving bonds, build connection, establish trust, and create intimacy…”
Think about all the time, effort and energy you put into skills to have success in your education, career, financial well-being and lifestyle in this modern world…
And now compare it to the time, effort and energy you put into the skills of:
Fostering Attraction, Engaging Socially, Emotional Processing, Setting Boundaries, Expressing Desires, Evaluating Character, Creating Intimacy, and having Powerful Conversations 👀
See what I’m pointing to?
Most of us tend to skip learning the skills and instead invest our time, effort and energy into a dead-end relationship or even just to get a guy to like us and see us as “wife material.”
Which is why so many of us are so emotionally drained and frustrated with the dating process and ready to quit.
Imagine working in a career everyday where you haven’t learned the soft and hard skills required of the position…You’d be emotionally drained, annoyed that nothing is working and ready to quit that too lol.
Here’s the thing…
it’s not your fault that you skipped learning these dating skills.
Many of our parents have been married as long as we’ve been alive…yet they often couldn’t offer anything besides:
“Just wait it out and you’ll find someone too someday”
“Don’t focus on it too much. Love will find you.”
And of course our educational system finds it much more beneficial for us to know all 50 state capitals, the Pygatherom theorem and all the words to the school Alma Mater song…than to dare teach us how to navigate making the most important decision of our lives: Finding our Life Partner.
So yeah…it’s totally not your fault that you don’t have a solid strategy put in place to enjoy a thriving love life that leads to a happy, healthy marriage.
But as an adult..it IS your responsibility to make it happen (if it’s what you desire).
It’s time to take responsibility for learning the dating skills that will lead to enjoying the dating process, attracting high-quality men and choosing your life partner.
You deserve to be well-educated, well-paid and well-LOVED.
Stay tuned because up next I’m gonna introduce you to one of the most important (yet overlooked) dating skills that every woman needs to practice and perfect.
AND It’s one of the easiest ways to begin taking responsibility for your love life.
Next: Part 4 (of 4):
The dating skill that most women of faith overlook and/or downplay